Visit to Dr Feelgood

We walked up to the door and they buzzed us in. The men in white coats lured us into a room where we were asked to strip. We were each given a pair of shorts to wear and then ordered to lie face down on individual tables. In five minutes, pain was going to be administered to each of us.

I was there to see about my toe. Gary was there because of his slipped disc. Uncle KB was there because he was old.

The doctor tending to my toe was Dr Jun, a.k.a. Minister of Pain. After getting a brief history about the problems I've been having with my feet and my big problem toe, Dr Jun started doing his magic. The first thing he did was massage the bottom of my foot with his thumb. I think he was trying to work out some of the knots in my foot. It was really painful, what he was doing, but I figured it was for my greater good. Dr Jun massaged my foot for about two minutes and then he told me he had to leave for a short while to go get his hammer.

"Jeez, I must have some pretty big knots in my foot," I thought to myself.

Dr Jun comes back with a hammer in his hand and uses it to massage my foot. The pain was unbearable but I bore it anyway. A very painful 5 minutes passed. (Very painful does not really describe the extent of the torment I went through in that first 5 minutes but I needed to save heavyweight words like excruciating and agonizing for the 10 minutes of torture that was to ensue.)

Dr Jun was done with my foot and was now moving on to my toe. He stretched my middle toe straight so that my toe tendons were fully strained. And then with all his strength, he used the hammer to scrape along those tendons. All the nerves between my middle toe and my clenched teeth felt like they were just lit on fire.

Dr Jun fed the fire for 5 minutes and then stopped. I then felt his fingers grip my toe really hard. And with one swift motion, he yanked it with all his strength. Actually, I don't think he yanked it with ALL his strength because he yanked it another ten times. After he was done pulling, I looked up and saw my detached toe in his hand. Just kidding.

Back to serious stuff. My massage finally came to an end and Dr Jun now wanted to stick some needles into my foot to increase blood flow. "Blood flow from my foot to the floor," I thought to myself. Accupuncture is not "not painful". I think it is important that I inform you, the public, of this matter because we so often bump into macho wannabes who brag that accupuncture is painless, that it just feels like a pin prick. Now, my question to these morons is, if pin pricks are so painless, why do people go ouch when pricked?

Pulling the needles out of my foot were as painful as putting them in. Where I'm concerned, putting a needle in normally seems more painful because in my mind I know I'd eventually have to pull it out. And pulling it out seems less painful, because in my mind I know that once its out, its out.

Back to the story. The needles come out, my toe is throbbing, swollen and longer, and I can barely stand on my two feet. And then comes the big question from Gary and Uncle KB, "Does it feel better?" Hell yeah! Better than 10 minutes ago.